I found my way out, my way up. I am not wandering in despair now, but this is how I felt when I took that detour.
I am in that place I knew existed, but I thought I had taken the path to avoid it.
The place – it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters really, to anyone, except maybe to the cat. He needs me to feed him and let him in and out. That does still matter to a living being, and maybe still to me. How sad I feel a connection to and allegiance from only my cat.
Trying to do good, be good, think of others’ wants, that has mattered. Till now. Now it is apparent that nothing I do or say matters because I don’t matter.
i don’t matter enough to be included, loved, touched, accepted just because I am. Who I am is not enough. I am running out of strategies to fix things, fix me, fix the situations that are sucking the life out of me.
What happened along the way to make my feelings and wants so unimportant, so second-in-line to anyone else’s? Guess everything I have done and am is wrong. There you go, in the land that doesn’t matter. What I do doesn’t matter. What I want doesn’t matter. Who I am doesn’t matter.
This scares me. I can’t find the words that used to keep the gate locked to this path. What I think and say to myself used to make a difference. Where are those helpful words now? They are all I have had to rely on for a long time. The words I said to me are leaving me, too.
I know, I do so know, that my loved ones have so little time, and are trenched in their own problems. I can’t burden them any more with all of this; I can’t be another problem.
What happened to being part of a family, a relationship, a network of loved ones working together to make love and connection the things that would see us through to rejoice together?
What happened along the way that I don’t matter even if… or just because I am…or never with all my love even if I don’t have solutions?
It seems I am on that road to It Doesn’t Matter because I don’t.
If I ask for help, for direction, I will be in a place almost as bad, shunned and stigmatized even more, or included out of fear and obligation.
It is important that I don’t go farther down this path, so I have stopped crying. I didn’t let myself do that when I saw the path looming, but for a while I couldn’t stop when I realized it was under my feet.
I won’t tell anyone who is …close. I don’t guess I am close enough to anyone anymore for my ramblings to be understood, to matter.
I need help without sharing that I need help. Being a problem DOES matter.
Help me find the words again. Help it not matter to me that I can’t feel that I matter to others. Help me matter to me. Please help me feel I matter to me again, to feel I am on the path of joy in being again.
PS. I do realize that this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself. This is not a pity party any more. I tried to stop attending those a long time ago. I didn’t want to be a victim.
This is harder than that – my soul wants peace. I have lost my way. This ‘ no matter’ map is vivid and consuming.
Please. I need help turning myself around, to feel healthy and sane and connected without jumping through hoops or ignoring who I am. Where is the me that used to keep me off this path? Help me find her.
“When I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are part of the universe but perhaps more important than most of those facts is that the universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up. Many people feel small because they’re small. The universe is big- but I feel big because my atoms came from these stars. That’s precisely what we are just by being alive. There’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life. You want to feel connected. You want to feel relevant. You want to feel like you’re a participant in the goings-on, in the activities and events around you. ” Neil deGrasse Tyson-Astrophysicist